For a site with the word love in the title, I don’t talk about love enough. So, I’m now introducing a series called “Love Musings.” This series will explore various love related topics. I’m not a therapist or counselor or anything like that. I just love love. Our first topic is “Love Him or Leave Him.”
Governor’s Spitzer’s very public fall from grace due to his penchant for hookers has a lot of media outlets pondering why powerful men do such things and why their wives stick around. Well, the first question is easy. Powerful men do “such things” for the same reason your average Joe Schmoe does it. The answer starts with a ‘c,’ ends with an ‘e’ and rhymes with oochie. Oh and they also do it because they can. Not rocket science.
The more complicated question involves the behavior of the wives. New York Post columnist, Cindy Adams, recently devoted her column to Eliot Spitzer’s wife. She discussed various famous men, past and present, who got a little trim on the side. Essentially, Adams advised Spitzy’s wife to stick it out and not make a big deal out of something silly like having sex with hookers.
“She may not longer be New York’s first lady, but a husband hooking up with a hooker is not reason enough to no longer be a married lady.
Sex, a primal need, outpoints fear, hunger and love as mankind’s No. 1 driving force. Unless you’re a pig or a monk, many an able-bodied – and I use that term deliberately – 48-year-old husband of 21 years has grazed. I’m not advocating it. I’m merely saying, so what? It’s like takeout food. Less work for mother….I love Silda Spitzer. In truth, handsome, educated Silda might want to smack him. But leave him purely and simply because he grabbed a little sex on the side? Or wherever he grabbed it? Naaahh. If this lawyer wife really wants to get him, she might just cool it a few years then run for president.”
I’m not inclined to totally agree with Adams here. Every man wants a woman who he can proudly display in public and who is down for whatever in the bedroom or as Ludacris so eloquently stated, “We want a lady in the streets, but a freak in the bed.” You should want to ravage your spouse, if you don’t, that’s really sad. I do agree with one thing Adams said though. Whatever the outcome with the marriage, Spitzer’s wife should move forward with her life and make sure she’s reaching her goals, professional and personal.
Dipping out on your spouse for sex is wrong. Period. It’s disrespecful and it’s some punk shit. If you don’t feel like you are getting what you need from your spouse, work it out or bounce. Though, as Adams points out in her column, there are lots of examples of women who have forgiven their spouses. Hillary Clinton is a name that comes to mind and more recently, the wife of Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick–a man who admitted to a long-term affair with his then chief-of-staff–stuck by her man too. By the way, unlike Spitzer, Kilpatrick has not resigned.
The decision to stay or leave in a situation like that is a deeply personal choice. I don’t think that a person who cheats will necessarily always be a cheater, so I can understand the forgiveness option. However, hookers take it to another level to me. That’s just extra. Getting down with a co-worker or a friend seems more understandable to me than paying for some poon. I think the idea of a woman as an item to be rented is what bothers me the most.
So at the end of the day, the right thing to do with a cheating spouse is going to depend on a number of factors including the “innocent” spouse’s ability to actually forgive. If you decide to stay with a cheater, you can’t keep bringing it up in every argument. Forgive, do not forget though, and give your spouse a real shot if that’s what you decided to do. If both partners are committed to putting in the work to make the relationship work, I say, more power to you…unless hookers are involved, then I will give you the advice I frequently offered my girlfriends in college, “F*ck him, girl.”*
More than anything, trust your gut. Most of the time, we know when we’re being bamboozled, but we get so comfortable in the little corners we paint ourselves into that we sometimes forget how good honesty, freedom and a genuine connection can really feel. Don’t settle for a half-assed apology that you know your spouse doesn’t mean. If someone is not willing to put in the work and truly make changes, it’s time to go. You will worry about being able to live on one income again and all that, but you can and will figure it out if you just trust yourself enough to make the right decisions. You can do it!
*To clarify, my college friends were not dealing with men who paid hookers. They were just dealing with your garden variety no-good type of guys.