Love Musings: To Be Black, Female, Educated and Single

16 Apr

Put two single, female friends in a room and the subject of men is bound to come up. The ups and downs of being single are well-documented (or imagined) in countless movies, television shows, books and magazine articles. The plight of the single black female in the adventure known as dating gets particular attention because of sobering statistics that say black women are the least likely demographic group in the US to marry. The percentage of married black women in this country has fallen to a mere 36.1 percent. That’s some pretty heavy stuff and it’s most daunting to black women, especially educated black women, who feel like their dating pool is particularly short and shallow. Some people blame education for the low percentage of black women who marry,but I say there’s something else at work here.

As an educated black woman myself, I can definitively state that educated is not a synonym for man-hating, condescending or asshole-ish. Some cling to the theory that educated black women tend to look down on the brothas and we can’t find or keep a man because we are too stuck-up and mean, basically. Wrong. If a woman is obnoxious or really elitist or whatever, that’s just who she is. Her college degree did not make her that way. Those were traits that already existed. I know plenty of wonderful, nice, educated black women who definitely do not fall into the stiff, emasculating stereotype that single black women sometimes get thrown into.

So what’s with the free-falling marriage rates? I don’t think it’s the education making women become too “self-sufficient” to attract a man, I think it’s an evolving view of marriage and relationships from both men and women. The divorce rate has been hovering around 50% for years now and it’s not because our grandparents were just really good at picking good mates. Today, we have a very real understanding that sometimes marriage is a mistake and you don’t necessarily have to suffer through a lifetime of being miserable because of that mistake. Today, we are apprehensive about committment. We don’t want to contribute to the heart-breaking number of single-parent homes. We are selective and we should be. Yeah, there are far too many baby mamas and baby daddys, but marriage isn’t necessarily the answer for those folks. Often times, there are things waaaaay before marriage age that took place to put those people in the situation they ended up in.

I was fortunate enough to find a wonderful, fabulous man who I married last year. At 27.9 years old, I was mature enough and knew myself well enough to know that he was (and is) the real deal. There was no settling involved. I love myself too much to “settle” for a life partner. To my single sistas, do you. Don’t let negative talk get you down. Everything happens precisely as it is supposed to. As long as you are doing your very best to be your very best, you are doing the right thing and take time to enjoy life. Having a degree or not having a degree….whatever. Let’s not judge someone based on educational pedigree, let’s just live and love, ya know. Breathe girl, breathe!


Posted by on April 16, 2008 in Love


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3 responses to “Love Musings: To Be Black, Female, Educated and Single

  1. mike exum

    April 17, 2008 at 2:43 am

    First time commentor out patroling the blogs and stumble onto yours. I am wondering if you only seek a mate from among black men.

    I divorced last year and have not dated much, and did not while married at all, but as an educated white man, I find myself “looking” at women as potential mates for the first time in a time and suddenly realizing that odds are I will find a white woman. But this does not have to be the case. And in fact, I have already encountered one hispanic lady on my radar who I am sure will make someone a wonderful mate.

    Of course race is a real factor and potentially huge. I am sure you have no interest in biggoted white men. Thus proving my point with an extreme. And with racial differences goes quite often enthnic/cultural differences that, though not necessarily insurmountable for two dedicated people, does, however, present myriad challenges.

    I have dated a couple of hispanic girls in my youth. Over my adult life, I have become friends with numerous black and hispanic folks, even rich friendships. But none of them, for other reasons, are potential mates. But in theory, at least, this is somehting I am open to exploring, personally. And now that I have come across your site, I wonder what thoughts you might share on the subject.

    (Please do not take my comment as a pick up line. I intend to remain anonymous, and I have no idea who or where you are other than what you have shared in this post. Thanks.)

    Blogger formerly known as Messianic Gentile

  2. loveisdope

    April 17, 2008 at 12:04 pm

    Well, I definitely don’t take your comment as a pick up line seeing as how I said in this post that I’m married. 🙂 As far as interracial relationships, I think it’s up to each individual to determine what you are open to. Most of the men I’ve dated in my life have been black, maybe like 85% or so. My husband is not black, so obviously, I think interracial relationships are just fine.

    Like any other relationship, some people enter interracial relationships for the wrong reasons (fulfilling some fantasy, white guilt, being colorstruck, etc), but I don’t think that being in an interracial relationship today, in 2008, is exactly a monumental feat. There are definitely built in challenges, but often times those challenges come from family and friends….and even strangers sometimes.

    A lot of people have dated or slept with people of other races, but most people end up marrying a person within his/her own race. I think there’s a lot of reason for that. Personally, I don’t encourage or discourage dating people of other races. It just depends on what you’re comfortable doing and if you fall in love with someone who happens to be of another race. Perhaps my next Love Musings post will be about that.

  3. Godwin Erheyovwire

    September 1, 2009 at 10:40 am

    Thanks very much for your post.Well, as for me i strongly believe in thrue love without any third party.If you u allow a third party into ur relationship there is bound to be problems here and there.Race don’t anything to play in a relationship.the colored people you see all over the world today is as a result of interracial marriage.

    Am a man,39,still single and searching for a serious relationship right now.she can come from any race and of any size/shape.But she must be humble,honest,with the fear of God in her. If you know any then let her contact me immediately. Thanks and God bless you.



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