Love Musings: Long Distance Love

06 Apr

Long distance relationships suck. That’s really the bottom line here. Whenever my friends talk about embarking on a long distance relationship, my automatic response is “Noooooooooooo!”

Full disclosure, I had two long distance relationships. One was during undergrad and ended horribly before either of us graduated, due to his rampant cheating. The other was during grad school. The long distance thing didn’t last all that long actually because he moved to my area and eventually we lived together. That relationship ended horribly when ol’ boy just became a different human being (or some other human-like creature).

My disdain for long distance relationships actually doesn’t have much to do with the disastrous endings of my own long distance messes though. I realize that those were just not the guys for me at that time. Sure, I was more than a little heated with the undergrad antics when he fessed to it all, but it’s not something I sit and stew about these days. As for the other guy in grad school, our issues had nothing to do with distance. We didn’t even do the long distance thing for that long.

My beef with long distance is that it just inherently sucks.  When you want to watch Boomerang on HBO on a random Wednesday night, you want your pookie bear to just be there to watch it with you. When you get snotty-nosed, can’t keep anything down, no way to get comfortable sick, surely you’d like snookie wookie to come and bring you chicken noodle soup and Pedialyte popsicles (That ish works in the clutch!) on his lunch break instead of merely calling with a kind word.

I understand that sometimes stuff just happens. Maybe you started out in the same area code, but school or a work assignment temporarily put you in different time zones. That, I can deal with. The important thing is that there is a plan and an end date to the long distance arrangement. But starting a serious relationship with somebody that lives hours away from jump? Nah. That situation automatically creates pressure. If you end up really being into each other you immediately bump into big issues like who is going to move and when. That means assigning value to each other’s careers, friendships and whatever else. Who can most afford to turn everything upside down for the other? Do you both move somewhere to make it “even?” Pooptastic all the way around.

I’ve written before about how I don’t believe in the idea of “the one.” Like, if you meet a great guy while you’re on vacation 900 miles away from home, I don’t think you need to try to do the long distance thing just because dude is something like awesome. Keep in touch, by all means, but unless you think you would actually be willing to move there or deal with everything that goes with him moving to you…I say, keep it flirtatious and platonic-ish.

I see stuff on the celeb gossip blogs sometimes about couples who live “bi-coastal” lives and only see each other every few weeks or so in between movies and concerts or whatever. Why the f*ck would they even get married? Makes no sense to me. None. I mean, do you I guess, but I don’t see how that kind of situation makes anyone happy.

What are your experiences with long distance relationships? Do they suck primate genitalia or are they possible with the right person?


Posted by on April 6, 2010 in Love


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9 responses to “Love Musings: Long Distance Love

  1. Carla

    April 6, 2010 at 9:12 am

    Considering I’m currently involved in a 1,000 mile LDR, I definitely have an opinion on this topic. 🙂 While my situation is far from ideal, we did begin our relationship from afar with his intention being to move to my area. We are 5 months into it and see each other once a month if we are lucky. It’s unbelievably hard but it’s worth it. The frustration and impatience associated waiting for him to move to an area with terrible unemployment and hiring rates has resulted in moments of irritability and anger on both our parts. It’s hard not having him here to attend movies and concerts and the like with me, but we know there is an endpoint somewhere. For that reason and because he is who he is, I believe it’s worth it!

  2. Myron

    April 6, 2010 at 9:17 am

    Well, I’m currently married to the woman that I had a long distance relationship with. We’re enjoying our life together and will welcome our first child soon.

    ALL relationships depend on both parties being comitted…if one isn’t then it obviously won’t work (unless that’s their thing).

  3. loveisdope

    April 6, 2010 at 9:24 am

    Hey Carla! I think knowing there is an endpoint is key. It’s great that you have already established the logistics of how you’ll be together. How did you two meet anyway?

  4. loveisdope

    April 6, 2010 at 9:37 am

    Myron, I know who you’re married to. LOL j/k You two had a leg up on the LDR thing. You knew eachother before and had mutual friends. You weren’t starting from scratch, so to speak and you had something of a plan early on. I don’t think LDRs are all doomed to fail (obviously), but I do think they are more likely to fail for a lot of obvious reasons.

  5. Victoria

    April 6, 2010 at 10:03 am

    Well, as I mentioned to you on fb, this was the right post at the right time! lol. My boyfriend has been gone for exactly 3 months today. I went into our relationship knowing that he would be moving out of the country in a year and hoping he would change his mind…but alas, it wasn’t to be. Even though I went to visit him for a few days around Valentine’s Day, the distance is still hard to deal with. We went from living together in my apartment to now only talking on the phone once or twice a week and keeping in touch via fb. And the person who leaves has a much easier time adjusting than the person who stays behind. I see constant reminders of what we once had everytime I walk through my door. The good news is that he is planning to come back eventually, hopefully before the end of the year, but an exact date hasn’t been established. Having an endpoint would have made things so much easier for me. Not knowing how long is a killer. But if I could go back in time, I wouldn’t have changed a thing. We love each other very much and we both have learned so much from each other about patience and understanding. Even if it doesn’t work out, I’ll be able to take that with me. But I won’t do a LDR ever again! lol.

  6. Carla

    April 6, 2010 at 10:08 am

    We met in college and dated for a year at that time! Things fell apart due to youthful mistakes and miscommunication, but we remained friends and rekindled our relationship last year. So I think our relationship is unique because we had that time in the past (when we lived in the same city) to get through those initial bumps. I can’t imagine starting from scratch this far apart….

  7. loveisdope

    April 6, 2010 at 1:39 pm

    Victoria, the LDR must be doubly difficult for you! You’re doing the LDR on steroids! That’s a lot to go from living together to being an ocean apart. I love how you said all those things but ended with “I’m not doing that ish again, though.” LOL Sounds like he means a lot to you, I hope you get that end date soon. 😉

    All three of you knew your partners in person in one way or another before the long distance came into play. I think that’s a little different than meeting someone and then jumping into the LDR as the starting point.

  8. Cherish

    April 6, 2010 at 10:17 pm

    I had a stream of college, grad and post grad relationships that were ALL long distance (2 years, 3.5 years and 1 year). I am currently in my first REAL relationship (3 years) that isn’t long distance and its a HUGE difference from the others. There was a point after 8 months where he was relocated and we saw each other twice a month for 3 months before I picked up and moved too (luckily he moved to the city I was already trying to move to). We haven’t/don’t live together and don’t plan to until we’re married (technically just before) but being 15 minutes away from each other is something we take full advantage of. I am with you 100% on the long distance thing…you gotta have a plan for it!

  9. MsKiA

    April 8, 2010 at 3:13 pm

    You know… I think you’ve spurned a blog post outta me with this topic here!

    Currently being in a long distance relationship… honestly speaking… those moments when we’re in each other’s time and space – it really is all about sex. I’m being frank here.

    Sure we talk all day long. We email regularly. We facebook, of course. We text each other pictures so that we “see” each other daily but my everyday experiences are solely mine which I may share with him depending upon if I can remember them during our next conversation.

    The last time I physically saw him, felt him, smelled him was December with more than a few failed attempts to meet up for one-day dates – he lives in DC while I’m in NYC.

    So you’re absolutely correct about those moments when you need a hug or a thoughtful look or somebody in the kitchen whipping up your favorite meal. Those moments are so few and far between to even consider this a true relationship.

    Knowing that he’s coming into town or if I’m DC bound, I will spend countless hours shaving, buying matching undies and finding the right outfits for those precious moments. He’s yet to see me without toe nail polish, with conditioner in my hair or a mud mask on my face. You know – the real me.

    We’ve considered dating other people but be it as it is, neither one of us has made the attempt. Yeah yeah I know I’m not around him to know for sure but I trust him that if he were to date someone, he’d let me know.

    I have entertained relocating and the idea sits on the table while I stare at “it” with disinterest. I am who I am because I live here and me relocating would mean recreating myself somewhere else… I’m not sure the relationship would last or if it’s worth attempting.

    Oh well I’ve dwelt upon the bad enough… so even from DC, he is my support. I call on him whenever I need him and I can count on him to make me smile & laugh… from my back belly! He is what I need for my season. I don’t see him as “the one”. We’ve been going strong for the past year and I’ve known him for the past 19 years. I would love to have him closer and if it’s destiny, we shall be. Until then, I love him with an open heart…


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