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Love Musings: See Ya

22 Jul

Somewhere in 2004/2005, I was on an underwhelming date with a cute, but mumbling and not very confident guy. I was 25 and had been in NYC for less than a year. He was a 26-year-old NYC native, but somehow I had been to more clubs/restaurants/lounges than he had and he made a point to complain that he couldn’t “teach” me anything or “show” me anything. Not my fault he was lame, right?

We had already had a conversation about how I was in no way shape or form looking for a boyfriend (which was totally true) and in my head I was thinking that the date would be our last for sure. We had gone on a mini-date once before and I thought he was lame then, but I chalked it up to nerves and tried to give him another chance.

While in the ladies’ room, I got a call from a guy I had met the night before at one of those lounges Mr. Insecure had never been to. I’ll call that guy Alpha because he had that alpha male energy. So, Alpha invited me to come out to this club he was at that night. I told him I was with a male friend and he said that was fine. He said to tell the bouncer my name at the door and we’d be in.

I told Mr. Insecure that I wanted to go to this club and that a guy I knew was going to get us in. He was cool with that. Funny now that I think about it that neither one of them asked about my relationship with the other. I’m sure they had very different reasons though. Alpha just wasn’t worried about it and Mr. Insecure would have said okay to anything.

Mr. Insecure and I got to the club and just as Alpha promised, my name opened the door of the club instantly, much to the annoyance of the people waiting in the long line. I introduced the two men–just names, no extra info.

Alpha took my hand and led me to his table while Mr. Insecure tried to follow, but somehow got lost in the crowd. Honestly, I didn’t even really notice at first. After a few minutes of thoroughly enjoying Alpha’s conversation, he suggested that we go to another spot. That’s when I thought of Mr. Insecure. I texted him because there was no point in trying to have a phone conversation with the music blaring. I waited a few minutes, but he didn’t respond. Soooooo, I left with Alpha to the other place.

En route to location two, I got a text from Mr. Insecure asking where I was and that it was messed up that I left. I texted him back that I had tried to get in touch with him. I told him he should stay at the club and have fun. The next day Mr. Insecure called asking to be my boyfriend. *sigh*

Aside from the ridiculousness that was Mr. Insecure’s insecurity, I’m telling this story as an example of how not to give somebody the boot.  I was sick of Mr. Insecure and was being unnecessarily callous. I wish a *insert ignorant word of choice* would be on a date with me and then have us  go meet up with some other chick he’s seeing AND then leave me high and dry. Pffft.  Dude should have had more respect for himself, but I also should have used more tact.

I’ve never ended a real relationship in such a casual manner, but I know folks who have been dumped or did the dumping via text or email. Not hot. There’s even a guy now who will call your significant other and break up with him/her for you.  That’s ice cold right there.

Have you ever dumped someone in a not so nice way or been kicked to the curb with a steel toe instead of a gentle push?

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64 Comments

Posted by on July 22, 2010 in Love

 

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64 responses to “Love Musings: See Ya

  1. bookeditors

    July 22, 2010 at 9:14 am

    I once let a date know I wasn’t interested by LEAPING out of the car when he dropped me off at home. No goodbye, no kiss, no handshake….just a flying leap…lol…not nice of me I know, but he got the idea.

     
  2. Farah

    July 22, 2010 at 9:21 am

    This story was hilarious! I once told a guy over the phone to not call me anymore because I’d rather date the guy I was dating before him.

     
  3. LaboriousLiving

    July 22, 2010 at 9:23 am

    I never knew there was a nice way to dump any one. Mine usually involved dodging dishes and other breakables.

     
  4. thejamminjabber

    July 22, 2010 at 9:25 am

    Interesting story.

    That being said, I LOVE Passing Me By by The Pharcyde.

     
  5. lokimomma

    July 22, 2010 at 9:55 am

    Loved this post! I recently tried to date someone in whom I was not the least bit interested, and it was almost painful to make it through a conversation. He ended it with “there isn’t a connection”, and I’m glad he said it first because I hate breaking things off with people-I just feel badly. Interesting side note though, I was hurt. Not because I could see a future, but because my pride was hurt. Funny how our ego will oftentimes suffer more than our hearts.

     
  6. whimsicalasha

    July 22, 2010 at 10:10 am

    In high school I had a guy tell his friend to call my friend to tell me he wanted to break up with me. Nothing like hearing about your break up third hand. Another high school relationship ended when the guy cheated on me, got the girl pregnant, and then named his daughter the name I told him I wanted to name my daughter some day.

     
  7. michaeleriksson

    July 22, 2010 at 10:12 am

    Speaking as someone who in his youth used to be quite insecure (at least where women were concerned; even if hardly I would have tagged a long in the manner described above):

    Self-confidence tends to be a viscious/virtuous circle: A confident man is interesting to girls, who show this interest, which raises his confidence further. A man lacking in confidence is uninteresting to girls, who do not show interest, which lowers his confidence further. For some reason getting above a certain threshold level of confidence (as was the case with me) can cause a remarkable turn-around.

    Now, the reason I am writing this is that far too many women seem to consider a lack of confidence an inherent deficiency in a man, consider it “his own fault”, or similar. (While to a lesser degree making the opposite mistake with confident men.) In reality, the reason is often in external circumstances and coincidences.

    In particular, note that your actions above were quite the opposite of what would have been beneficial to his confidence. (Which should not be seen as an accusation, merely an observation—we all have to look out for number one.)

     
  8. The Late Stork

    July 22, 2010 at 10:32 am

    The flying leap – I love that!!

    Re our egos suffering more than our hearts – so true. We would like the people we DON’T want to still be crazy about us.

    With regard to the issue of confidence or lack thereof – it is so true. We can look at a guy who is really NOT at all attractive, but simply because he has attained that level of confidence, women rave about him. And vice versa. Guess it happens in reverse too – unconfident versus confident women?

    Loved the post, thanks

     
  9. The Late Stork

    July 22, 2010 at 10:34 am

    PS I tend to end things with no real explanation so the guys wonder forever more what on earth happened. Poor things!

     
  10. loveisdope

    July 22, 2010 at 10:40 am

    Ha! The stories from you all are hilarious! Leaping out of the car? GTFOH! Classic.

    Michael Eriksson, your point about confidence is duly noted. Confidence is a hard thing to acquire if you’ve somehow been led a certain way early on in life and you get the same reactions from everyone. I did go out with him twice though! I tried to give him a shot…well, kind of.

     
  11. The Late Stork

    July 22, 2010 at 10:41 am

    Will definitely subscribe to your blog

     
  12. loveisdope

    July 22, 2010 at 10:51 am

    Thanks Late Stork! I appreciate that.

     
  13. mTm

    July 22, 2010 at 10:56 am

    Hmm…I just stopped calling…:-/

     
  14. Noor

    July 22, 2010 at 11:08 am

    Interesting…haha
    -Noor
    http://noor724.wordpress.com/
    🙂

     
  15. mshabazz

    July 22, 2010 at 11:23 am

    Good story.

    I hate being strung along.

    I feel like people should be brutally honest when it comes to relationships.

    By the way, “Passing Me By” is top ten on my hip-hop classics list.

     
  16. Happy Nappy Bride

    July 22, 2010 at 11:26 am

    And going along with Mr. Eriksson, Mr. Insecure was also probably a dorky/geeky guy, right? I work with young ladies and I always tell them to go with the dork…he’ll treat you right! Alpha (especially if it’s at a young age) will break your heart.

     
  17. Najeema

    July 22, 2010 at 11:39 am

    I’m a first time reader. Good post. I love that Pharcyde song, thanks for including the video. I understand your feelings. You’re a good person and would never dream of offending someone by leaving them at the club….but, like most people, we treat people how they allow themselves to be treated.
    Kinda playa of you to take Insecure to see Alpha. It doesn’t always go well like that. #playonplaya.
    Happy I stumbled over here. Great comments too.
    I blog as well, although not as well put together. Check out my random musings.

     
  18. niconica

    July 22, 2010 at 11:41 am

    I enjoyed your post! 🙂

    Cheers, Niconica
    http://niconica.wordpress.com

     
  19. EvaRoads

    July 22, 2010 at 11:54 am

    First time reader too – loved the post. Thank you for sharing.

    My favorite being kicked to the curb story goes as follows…

    I’d been seeing a guy for a few months in university, and we agreed we’d be committed over the summer break when I moved home to work. We stayed in contact for the first few weeks via phone and email. Then I went to the doctor who found a lump in my breast during my exam.

    Needless to say, I was freaking out. I called him and relayed the doctor’s finding in a voicemail, I then texted several hours later, and emailed that night… and got nothing in return. Not a single. freaking. word.

    Figuring I’d found the least standup person on the whole planet, I wrote him off and did not pursue contacting him at all for the rest of the summer. (The lump turned out to be nothing of consequence.) Then, about a week before I was set to move back to the university, I heard from him. It was an email, which I opened and found a web link. I clicked it and it took me to a webpage he’d built that contained a poem breaking up with me. I also featured music and gifs of snow falling in the background.

    I wish I were kidding.

     
  20. Education Solicitation

    July 22, 2010 at 12:00 pm

    Love your post. Most of the time I skim through blogs but I read every word and it reminded me of a friend I have who goes out with one guy and ends up leaving him for someone else that she found at the location her date was happening…a lot.
    I once had my mom dump a boyfriend for me (I was in tenth grade).

     
  21. Cherish

    July 22, 2010 at 12:00 pm

    This story was hilarious!! HAHAHAHA!!!! I don’t think I’ve ever been taht bad, but I did go on a date with a guy who was shorter than me. When I came back from a bathroom break I was walking towards the booth and saw that his feet didn’t touch the floor. I freaked out (internally of course), and decided to skip dessert and end it quickly. No point in wasting both of our time.

     
  22. TheIntentionalSage

    July 22, 2010 at 12:06 pm

    Wow… that is kinda harsh, but given the circumstances, it didn’t seem that you were being intentionally cruel – it just sorta happened that way. In retrospect, you can see how you truly felt and only after monday-morning-quarterbacking does it look “bad.”

    With Love and Gratitude,

    The Intentional Sage

     
  23. Catherine

    July 22, 2010 at 12:23 pm

    I once was at a graduation party for the person I was dating (casually, not monogomous) . He had too much to drink and passed out, and I proceeded to make out with someone else at the party. Later in the night, he actually walked in on me making out with this new guy. In my defense, I was only 18, but it was a pretty crappy thing to do. But, live and learn, I guess. Thanks for sharing your story!

    Catherine http://simplysolo.wordpress.com

     
  24. Megan Redding

    July 22, 2010 at 12:31 pm

    I was set up on a sort of blind date with a friend and her beau. (It was her boyfriends best friend) and we were going to play cards and eat and drink. Well, I was in no way excited about the date and was simply on the outs with my real guy when I had agreed to the whole thing. By the time they had arrived I had already made up with my real guy and had started on the wine. When new dude walked in he had on loafers without socks and a leather man purse after more drinks and many jokes later. I waved goodbye to an infuriated “Tubbs” and my girlfriend ended up on the outs with her boyfriend for a couple of days for her role as an accessory.

     
  25. Shydel

    July 22, 2010 at 12:32 pm

    I got dumped via text message about 4 years ago.

    LAWD!! *Shakes fist*

    My blood still boils to this day when I think about it!

    I’ve gotten over it (or have I?) but the sheer disrespect of it all still makes me wanna serve the coward with a good ol’ fashion smackdown!

    I think your situation happened like that for a reason. For ol’ boy to call you up and ask to go steady after you played him is telling that he just wasn’t the one for you in the first place.

    Sooo, what ever happened between you and Alpha Male?

    Is there a part two in the works?

    lol

    Great post!

     
  26. loveisdope

    July 22, 2010 at 12:57 pm

    Shydel, I am totally against electronic dumping. Like you said it’s very cowardly. Ya know, I wasn’t even thinking about putting up a part two, but the post-script to this story is equal parts funny and sad. LOL I’ll put up part two tomorrow!

     
  27. rosslongaz

    July 22, 2010 at 1:03 pm

    I find it funny that y’all are using this as a means to feel better about what happened, in the post itself and each of the comments. Rather than tell us, tell the dudes it applies to. I’m sure they’d give more of a shit than complete strangers that weren’t there during the given incidents.

    And Catherine chick above- 18 or not, that’s slutty. It’s not like you learn a difference in the context of sluttiness from 18-50…it’s all the same, regardless of age. I personally love sluts, so I’m not hating. But in general, females will bitch and moan about dudes not being committed, or not being open or trusting. I wonder why.
    ;]

     
  28. cassyanne

    July 22, 2010 at 1:28 pm

    to michael errikson (hope i got that spelling correct), i agree as all the others seem to. but in another perspective:

    i have tried to go for the “shy and unsocial type” who, though i won’t say he didn’t have conifidence, wasn’t sure how to handle attention or anything of that sort. so if i got my chance, i’d’ve liked to have given this mr. insecurity some security, but he was such a wreck of nerves and social charisma, he wouldn’t go along with anything easily. so part of it comes from the social universe in that we don’t always offer as readily the confidence a person needs, but in the opposite side, sometimes when we do, it doesn’t seem to help. i think the best advise is to demand the respect from others the respect you demand for yourself. if the self respect doesnt measure up….well, you know the result afterall.

     
  29. OneWhoBlesses

    July 22, 2010 at 2:09 pm

    Very nice. Keep up the blogging. I recently lamented my own lack of tact in brushing guys off. Although, these guys were on an Internet dating site, not on a date with me: Lazy Losers, Liars and Letches…the Beauty of Dating Online, http://wp.me/pY8MO-aD

     
  30. The Black Couple

    July 22, 2010 at 2:46 pm

    Gr8 post! I enjoy anything navigating the waters of love!

    http://www.theblackcouple.com

     
  31. michaeleriksson

    July 22, 2010 at 2:59 pm

    @cassyanne

    The hitch is that turning confidence, self-respect, whatnot, around is a process that can take years. It would be nice if we could kiss the proverbial frog and be rewarded with a prince(ss); however, in real life, this is only very rarely the case. What we can do, is to sow a seed that may result in something beautiful in the future—for the sake of the frog and whoever is around to reap when the time comes.

    @all
    As a general remark, there are a few comments above that seem a little bragging (my apologies if I over-interpret). Here I would caution to heed the saying: Be kind to those you meet on the way up—you may meet them again on the way down. This saying is particularly apt where men, women, and attractiveness are concerned—as those in their thirties know, and those in their twenties eventually will learn.

     
  32. loveisdope

    July 22, 2010 at 3:06 pm

    Michael, well said. I definitely have a better understanding now of how important it is to treat everyone with kindness. Sometimes ego, pride and other things that aren’t so great in large quantities obscure the “high road.” But, you live and you learn…

     
  33. umightgetoffended

    July 22, 2010 at 3:11 pm

    Love the post, sound like something I did before lol…. oh and so feeling the song passin me by…

     
  34. sayitinasong

    July 22, 2010 at 3:34 pm

    If it shines- it don’t always mean its made of gold…. lesson to us all….

     
  35. sayitinasong

    July 22, 2010 at 3:35 pm

    Oh, and love your song choice/video… very clever

     
  36. asrai7

    July 22, 2010 at 4:24 pm

    I dumped my first boyfriend through an MMORPG chat window. Terrible, corny, stupid, and…so….easy! I would never do that today, but when I read your post, it brought back that memory for me. 🙂

    PS LOVE the Pharcyde ❤

     
  37. abercroc

    July 22, 2010 at 5:44 pm

    I was living in Sweden/dating a guy there. We had done the long distance thing for a little over a year before i moved from the States to Sweden. I was there for a whole year. Total we dated 2 and a half years. When i went back home after my scheduled year in Sweden, i got an email from him saying it was over. He waited until i had left his country, then didn’t even have the courtesy to call to break the news, just an email. Not so nice.

     
  38. michaeluhila

    July 22, 2010 at 6:21 pm

    Yes! I did the typical male thing. DON’T CALL HER AGAIN, EVER
    This is what women don’t get about guys and since I’m a guy
    and i got a chance to let you in on something, here we go

    Mans way of closure is leaving an opening for some other
    guy that doesn’t know shit about you.

    Here’s why i do it.

    1. Telling you it’s over is a waste of time
    2. Explaining it to you gives you the satisfaction
    3. It leaves everything with more questions from you
    4. You talk too much anyway
    5. Back to number 1

    For the record: This is how it was so i don’t do this anymore

     
  39. SincerelyGo

    July 22, 2010 at 8:29 pm

    O my gosh, here recently I hooked up with someone I thought would be great relationship material in the future. Person had just gotten out of a relationship and I knew they needed there space but once it was all said and done, the person got their emotions together .I got the mean boot. One word text, calls and visits just stopped. Only explanation being ” You want more I don’t” .

    Sincerely,

    Go

     
  40. Sunshine

    July 22, 2010 at 8:52 pm

    In all honesty, I’ve been that a-hole who insisted some hopeless guy who wanted to follow me around like a puppy dog deserved to get the harsh boot I gave him (whether via text, facebook relationship status or hearing it from a third party).
    However, when it happened to me, I was devastated and mostly angry for letting myself be weak enough to let someone take advantage of that weakness. Karma and lesson learned.

     
  41. nunin

    July 22, 2010 at 9:34 pm

    Interesting post.I like it.Thank for share.
    http://www.razorpromodel.net

     
  42. cappy

    July 22, 2010 at 10:11 pm

    Totally have. I really liked this guy who obviously liked me back and we had a great time together for about a month, but one day I just realized I wasn’t that into him anymore. So the next time he asked me on a date I said I just wanted to be friends. No explaination. It wasnt that I was trying to be bad to him, I was just really nervous. I felt like a bitch for months until I finally apologized because I knew how much I’d confused him. We get along well now, but I still feel terrible about it all the time. And I bet he feels weird too…

    http://bymyink.wordpress.com

     
  43. Mark

    July 22, 2010 at 10:52 pm

    I’m stunned that he actually called back the next day and “wanted to be your boyfriend”. Normally guys that are insecure to begin with are hypersensitive to how well/poorly it’s going, and don’t need to be told anything more when you disappear. All I can say is, somebody must have put him up to it; like, “go on, call her, don’t be a jerk. The worst she can say is no”. I wouldn’t have done it.

     
  44. webmistress

    July 22, 2010 at 11:52 pm

    Cool story and i’ve done something almost like this:

    me and my BF had reached our limits with each other, he comes over to talk mean while i’ve already called a new friend over to come get me so we could play pool, once the new friend got downstairs i slipped on my shoes and took BF downstairs with me, did’nt even tell him what i was going to do, but did introduce the two before getting into the new friends car and leaving BF standing there in shock.

    …was’nt even sure if BF got home or not, we broke up shortly afterwards

     
  45. sarahnsh

    July 22, 2010 at 11:58 pm

    I definitely have broken up with someone in a way I shouldn’t have, but sometimes I think it’s hard to have the perfect, kindest break-up, because in the end you are breaking someone’s heart and they are going to get angry, or you are, and it can turn into a mess. I tend to try not to explain too much why I’m breaking up with someone, because I think in the end it’s over with. Anyways, great post!

     
  46. kelliejwin

    July 23, 2010 at 2:00 am

    My first boyfriend ditched me over the phone. Too bad I’d given him what he wanted by then… (we were teenagers, what can I say?)

     
  47. mypurplehoneyjar

    July 23, 2010 at 4:31 am

    I really like your catchy phrase, love IS dope! Great post!

     
  48. gelvilla

    July 23, 2010 at 7:35 am

    There was this guy who was pissing me off with the way he tried to court me. After I got a text from him that it was me who was the subject of his group text messages about probable frustrated love, I wanted to tell him right there and then (via text also) to back off because it’s unrequited. Good thing my friends advised me otherwise. It’s helpful to have tact, until today we are on speaking terms.

     
  49. Barry Mañana

    July 23, 2010 at 8:25 am

    When I first met up with my girlfriend – I told her “I probably wasn’t the ‘One’ – but I might be the ‘Other One'” – four years on we are still building on that.
    The whole dating and dumping thing should be enshrined in law – just be nice, and be honest – even if it means having to take one on the chin now and then.

     
  50. pronounced "ahhh" like a sigh

    July 23, 2010 at 8:28 am

    Fantastic blog!

    I once broke up with someone on his birthday. I couldn’t take it anymore. He was way too… sensitive. Not that I don’t like sensitive but maybe you should cry less than me? Something would happen and before I could react emotionally, I’d look over and dude was boo hooing all over the place. I was like, Well, damn. Can I… ok… I guess not.
    I finally ended things by saying, “I’m not a lesbian and you, apparently, are a girl.”

     
  51. janai

    July 23, 2010 at 9:09 am

    I kind of broke up with my ex via text message…kind of because we were already not together but still “friends”…yeah that type of thing. Whatever, it was during the blizzard this past winter, so it was either play it off until I saw him again, or just let him know right then and there. I don’t justify my behavior, that’s not a way to cut somebody off, but it got the job done…whew

     
  52. rezuri

    July 23, 2010 at 11:29 pm

    The insecure guy you mentioned sounds so much like my ex!

    I dumped my ex (the same mentioned above) while on the phone because he has guns and I was terrified to actually dump him in person just because I wouldn’t know what he would do. I don’t really know if that makes me bitchy or paranoid or whatever. I wish I would have been strong enough to get rid of him earlier. I think the main thing to focus on is that you listened to your heart and got rid of him! Some of us aren’t that strong and do not want to face the facts 🙂

    http://www.retailrobot.wordpress.com

     
  53. webmistress

    July 24, 2010 at 8:25 am

    so nice to see how everybody is opening up in here about the ex’s thats really neat to see and shame on them looks like they’ve missed out on some really cool people.

    their loss not ours

     
  54. markbyrd

    July 24, 2010 at 1:29 pm

    May GOD Bless!!! Mark

     
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    July 24, 2010 at 7:57 pm

    If it wasn’t going to work then it wasn’t going to work. What ever happened with you and Mr. Alpha?

     
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  57. Sherry Wein

    July 25, 2010 at 10:05 am

    Boy oh boy. Getting dumped can really hurt.

     
  58. webmistress

    July 25, 2010 at 1:05 pm

    @ Sherry Wein (cool name by the way) yes it does suck when u get dumped and it really does’nt matter how it happens…just the fact that it has “happened” hurts regardless.

     
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  60. lburnett81

    July 25, 2010 at 11:37 pm

    I hate to admit it-but I have broken up with someone via text-only because he was so passive aggressive he more than likely wouldnt have spoken to me if I tried to call and talk to him.

     
  61. Phyl4Real

    August 9, 2010 at 11:08 pm

    We must be related. On my first date in life (about two weeks before the prom)–I was horrible! Sam asked me to go to a concert with him. I said yes, but only if my girls could go too. (OMG–it’s gets worse). I did give him the money for the two extra tickets though. Anyway, he couldn’t get the tickets together–soo he got 3 tickets together and 1 ticket alone. Need I say more?

    Luckily, my prom date was secured with Edward.

     
  62. Modgpczz

    July 4, 2011 at 7:31 am

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